Aquinas on Love

As I mentioned previously, One of the books I read recently as part of my deliberate effort to read more for personal development was Arthur Brooks’ new book, From Strength to Strength. I have a link to an interview with Brooks below in Listen. I was going to lead off with a bit of a discussion about the book this week, but as I was listening to the interview, I heard Brooks reference a line from Saint Thomas Aquinas, and it has obsessed me for the last 48 hours or so. The quote is: “To love is to will the good of the other.” There are lots of ways to love, but Brooks (by way of Aquinas) was trying to direct us away from erotic love, and to also reconceptualize love as an act, rather than as a feeling. 

Part of the reason this definition really struck me is because I’m now in my 10th year of teaching, and I remember distinctly when the very first cohort of Army-Baylor students graduated from the didactic phase of our course, I remember going back up to the empty classroom and thinking to myself, I’m never going to feel this way about a group of students again. I had poured everything I had into making sure they got the best educational experience possible while they were with us, and after some reflection, I came to realize I had fallen in love with them. I’ve hesitated to say that because I don’t want anyone to think it was a romantic love. Instead it was more like the love you feel for one of your children. You put so much of yourself into them so that they can be successful and happy. The difference of course is it’s not the same level of love - nothing can really replace your love for your child or come close to it - but it was of a similar kind. Also, while I really liked many of the students individually, and I suppose I could say I loved them (in this same usage of the word), I didn’t know all of them to the same degree, so there was a lot of variability at the individual student level, but the love also transferred to the class as a group. So when the students left after our graduation ceremony, I felt a real loss because I knew the class, which was in some sense the object of my love, was dissolving forever. I knew I’d see some of the individuals again, but the class no longer existed. The thing about Army-Baylor is that the next cohort started their didactic phase the next day, so I didn’t have long to mourn because I was already in front of the next class. And within a few weeks, as I got to know the class, I could tell I was falling in love again. I remember thinking, more than once now, that surely this will be the best class, the one I can never feel more strongly about, but every year I am surprised. By now you would think I would have learned, but it always surprises me. As I have reflected on this, it has occurred to me that being a teacher really is a privilege because you get to fall in love over and over. 

The quote resonated with me based on my story, but the order of the sentence changes. One finds love when one wills the good of the other. Willing the good of another causes you to love the other. The act brings into being the feeling. I remember when I was still in the Army hearing many of the leaders I respected say that they “loved soldiers”. They meant the same, non-romantic love I feel for my students. They loved soldiers because they willed good for them. You could feel that about these leaders. Having spent a lot of time around civilian leaders now, I have seen that same kind of love. Falling in love is transformative - it changes you and makes you happier. 

Of course, willing good for someone does not mean giving someone whatever they claim to want. Sometimes willing good for someone requires tough medicine, which could include separating them from your organization. Leaders should love their people and their organizations as Aquinas taught.